The following are my best tips for making your Christmas Holiday magical:
- If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper, go ahead and use your “Happy Birthday” wrapping paper, just be sure to write “Jesus” on it somewhere.
- If you are under the age of 60 and produce a “Christmas Family Newsletter” to mail to all your friends and family, please know that all your friends and family are making fun of you. They know your “Christmas Newsletter” is a sneaky way to brag under the guise of being informative. Nobody’s buying it.
- Never trust anyone who genuinely likes fruitcake, because it’s unnatural for anyone to like fruitcake. Fruitcake lovers are hiding something. Also, never give someone a fruitcake as a gift. Fruitcake is not a gift; it’s a curse.
- Never give a man free reign when it comes to outdoor decorating. Depending on his work ethic and judgment, there will either be a single wreath on the front door or it will look like Clark Griswold hired Buddy the Elf.
- Never comment on someone’s “ugly sweater”, because ugly sweaters are kind of hip now, so their ugly sweater might actually be their favorite sweater. Hipsters ruin everything these days.
- Don’t waste your time on Hallmark movies. They’re all the same story, just with different actors. Girl meets guy. Girl is already dating someone else. Guy and girl fall in love. Girl has internal conflict. Girl overcomes internal conflict, breaks up with boyfriend, marries Guy, and they live happily ever after. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.
- Never start a diet in December, because fudge, peanut butter balls, and eggnog will ensure your failure. Besides, everybody knows you don’t start a diet until January 2nd and you have until March 1st to blame your weight gain on the “Holidays”.
- No matter what they say, the companies who package frozen turkeys do NOT want you to have a Merry Christmas. I know this because they always stuff the turkey’s head, neck, and unmentionable parts down inside its little body for you to have to dig out. You’re buying their turkeys, it just seems like the least they could do is throw that junk away. Don’t let those turkeys get to you, serve ham instead.
- Nobody likes people who put reindeer antlers and red noses on their cars. People are just pretending it’s cute so they don’t hurt your feelings. Trust me on this.
- The Elf on the Shelf is creepy and wrong on every level. I mean, he’s sitting on a shelf when you go to bed, then you wake up and he’s fishing in your toilet or has crashed his mini airplane into your Christmas tree. Sick parents all over America convince their kids he’s magic so they will behave. It’s like the Christmas version of a Halloween horror movie and it needs to be outlawed immediately.
I pray that God blesses everyone reading this with a joy-filled Christmas! Enjoy time with your family and friends as you celebrate the real Reason for this holiday season.