Every January 1st for the past 18 years, I have made a promise to myself that I would lose some weight and “tone up” before summer, so that I would feel more confident in a swimsuit. As it turns out, I’m a liar, because this is the 18th year in a row that I have conveniently forgotten to go to the gym and eat healthy. This is also the 18th year in a row that I have stood in every fitting room of every retail store that sells bathing suits and said bad words. WHO is designing these suits? Do they even realize that the average American woman is closer to a size 10 than a size 0? And how is someone a size 0 anyway? Doesn’t 0 indicate being non-existent?
Since it’s been scientifically proven (by me) that trying on swimsuits causes severe mental and emotional trauma, I thought I’d compile a list of things I’d rather do than try on swimsuits. See if you agree….
- Get my bikini line waxed at a kiosk in the middle of a crowded mall
- Shop at Wal-Mart on Black Friday with only one cashier on duty
- Have a root canal on every tooth without anesthesia in a Turkish prison
- Explain texting to a crotchety, 90 year old know-it-all
- Take an exercise class with the word “advanced” in the title
- Volunteer to be the sole bedpan changer at a nursing home
- Lick all the doorknobs at the pediatrician’s office
- Walk through a desert in July wearing no shoes and a sweat suit
- Have mandatory math homework every night for the rest of my life
- Have a picnic at a sewage treatment plant
- Sign up to clean the porta-potties at Bonnaroo
- Wear culottes, crocs, and a gardening hat to a friend’s wedding
- Eat a whole box of vomit flavored jellybeans
- Plaster a stick family on the back of my car
- Put a reindeer nose on my car and leave it year round
- Pick lice knits out of a stranger’s beard
- Get a steroid shot in the forehead
- Say, “If ya know what I mean” at the end of every sentence for the rest of my life
- Eat a salad made of poison oak leaves
- Be featured on the show, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”
Some of you reading this think I’m crazy for detesting bathing suits so much. You are probably the people who have made a habit out of running or who spend several hours of your day at the gym. Don’t get me wrong, you and I can be friends, but we probably have very little in common.
But for those of you who are reading this and nodding your head in agreement, I want you to know that you are my people.
We are family.
Hang in there, sweater weather is coming and it will be our time to shine.