It’s that time again. The time of year we all count our many blessings. Here are a few things I am grateful for:
1. Walmart Self-Checkout Lanes…and the fact that they allow me to not actually be an employee of Walmart, but still be the best and most efficient cashier in the store.
2. Deodorant, correct grammar, and birth control…and the people who use them all properly.
3. Political polls…because of their complete accuracy and obviously unbiased results, even though I don’t know anyone who has ever actually been polled.
4. Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows…because even though they should have been a “thing” years ago, 2019 is the year someone finally made them happen.
5. The Snapchat filter that makes a person’s mouth as big as their whole head seems to be dwindling in popularity.
6. That in another year filled with sex scandals and corruption, my name was never mentioned.
7. Netflix…. which allows me to start watching a show that originally aired 16 seasons ago and finish it in 2 weeks. I’m talking to you, Grey’s Anatomy.
8. The return of mom jeans…because they seem to reduce the epic magnitude of my muffin top, while underemphasizing the awkward shortness of my legs.
9. For another year without contracting flesh eating bacteria.
10. Women who use excessive amounts of Botox…because it gives the rest of us something to talk about.
11. Mondays…so I can start and finish a new diet every week.
12. The apparent downturn in overly dark, abnormally shaped tattooed eyebrows…it was more than any of us could stand.
13. Texting and people who know it’s my chosen form of communication…because I’d rather lick the inside of a public toilet than talk on the phone.
14. Crazy people…. because they make me look sane and feel better about myself.
15. Friends that know not to post old or unflattering pictures of me on the Internet.
16. Home cooked meals that I, myself, did not have to prepare.
17. Another year that I didn’t give in to my compulsion to run away with the carnival.
18. After waiting since childhood for The Jetson’s lifestyle to become a reality, it looks like drone delivery is actually going to become popular soon. Now if we could get some flying cars and machines that create a whole meal in 20 seconds, that’d be great.
19. There’s only one more year until the 2020 election.
20. My God, my family, my friends, my health, and the promise of new mercies and new opportunities in the coming year.
Have a Blessed Thanksgiving Season, my friends